Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Misconceptions about Living in a Rural Area.

1. We ride (insert barnyard animal here) to school/work/funerals/etc.

This is mostly false. I mean, sometimes we ride our horses around town — and there is a law that requires public schools to care for them while in class in a lot of small towns, but have you ever tried riding a cow or goat? It’s nearly impossible. Cows are too stubborn to move and goats just want to eat your clothes!

2. We don’t have indoor plumbing

New-fangled flushing toilets are pretty new to me. I had to hike 50 feet from my wood cabin to pee till I was 10 years old and If I was lucky, I would have the crap scared out of me before I even got to the outhouse by a mountain lion or a bear. But in all seriousness, my hot water heater sucks.

3. We still use dial-up

Do you really think anyone under the age of 70 really has the patience for dial-up any more? Wifi hot spots are few and far between (and 4G? yeah right. Maybe next year), but I’d rather go hiking in the middle of winter in my undies than use dial-up again.

4. We fly places on geese

To misquote Monty Python for my own purposes: How can a 10 pound goose carry a 100 pound person?

5. We still use candles as lights

I guess this is along the lines as the indoor plumbing. Just because most rural areas are dark in google maps doesn’t mean we can’t light the place up when we need to- but usually we just use our apocalyptic forest fires to light the house- no use in wasting precious candles.

6. We are all narrow-minded bigots

Granted my state does consistently go red in national elections, the college towns tend to be more forward-thinking. I met more drag queens while I was in college than I did when I went to the east village. Just because most of us know how to kill our own food doesn’t mean we don’t also agree that all people should be equal regardless of race, creed, sex, gender, sexual preference or religion.

7. We all talk like hillbillies:

Well y’all, I’m sick an’ tired of hearin’ this one. But really, I do have a bit of a drawl (which I’d like to think is endearing and not moronic), but I most of us speak just as well, if not better than the more civilized parts of the country. Our lives here may be just a bit slower paced than people who live in cities, but we get along just fine. In fact, a lot of us would like to go back to a simpler time that is closer to the assumptions we hear how we live. You can lead a person to wifi, but you can’t make them turn into video-zombies. I’d take fresh air and a cool mountain breeze over my smart phone any day. Except Fridays- that’s when ANTM is on.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

5 Ways to Escape an Awkward Situation

Another post originally published on thought catalog:

1. Start dancing (pt. 1):

Potty dancing that is! No one will question you if you sneak off to the bathroom (or outside for a cigarette) if you do the potty dance for a few minutes. Though it only gives you a few minutes of reprieve lest you want the group to think you’re pooping. Your return after 20 minutes would perhaps make the awkward situation more so when the conversation suddenly turns to bowl movements.

2. Drop a contact: 

I’ve seriously tried this one several times and it works 100% of the time. And I don’t even wear contacts. All you have to do is shriek, grab your eye and say, “Shit! My contact fell out!” If anyone questions you, accuse them of not ever listening when you talk (“How could you not remember that I went to the optometrist last week?!), and they will shut up and help you look. Once everyone is searching the ground, just back away slowly and take off. By the time the realize you’re gone, you will be half way through your second glass of wine and able to deal with them again.

3. Point and run: 

My favorite in College was to scream, “To the ballroom!” while pointing in a random direction then taking off. Everyone is so confused that no one follows you.

4. Convulsions (not recommended): 

Drop to the floor and start convulsing for a few seconds, get up, and excuse yourself saying that you forgot to take your medicine and need to go. Again, no one will question it. But you could end up in the hospital, and that isn’t fun. So I don’t recommend it unless the situation is dire- like meeting your boyfriend’s ultra-conservative parents.

5. Start dancing (pt.2): 

This one is more fun. Grab an invisible animal of your choice and start waltzing all while singing “I’m dancing with a grizzly bear (or whatever animal you want to dance with)!” You can just waltz yourself right out of the group- and you will seem to crazy for anyone to want to follow. 

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Why FWB is bullshit.

Has anyone ever has a successful friends with benefits (FWB) experience where everyone came out just as happy, if not happier than they were before? No? I didn’t think so. Maybe it’s just the people I know, or the places I’ve lived, but I’ve never seen that kind of “no strings” relationship work out for the best then have the two split amicably. Here’s why:

1. Science: 
It’s only natural for stupid chemicals to get released when you sleep with someone. Now, I’m no scientist- but this shit is pretty well know. I think I learned it in seventh grade sex ed, to tell you the truth. Those chemicals make you feel closer to the person that you just banged, simulating “love”. It makes sense for survival. Just think if a tiger broke into you apartment, it would be helpful for you to have an ally (that would also want to protect your potential child that doesn’t exist, again, thanks to science). But as it turns out, you two aren’t in love with each other, but you start acting stupid because one of you just want the other to feel the same, then shit gets weird and one of you changes your phone number and blocks you on facebook and... see- nothing good comes of it. 

2. Reason:
I’d like to believe people are reasonable creatures. I’m proven wrong often, but it hasn’t caused me to give up hope yet. We all know, deep down, that sex is something important. I’m all for safe and consensual sex with whomever you chose to sleep with (free love, man), but we are built to use it to propagate the species, to form strong bonds within communities and ultimately, it’s our key form of survival. So we have tens of thousands of years of nature we are trying to fight against when we sleep with someone and expect absolutely nothing to happen. That just seems unreasonable. Most of us know that going in to it. We know there is always that chance that we will feel something for the other person when the other person doesn’t. We know that the other person may feel something for us when we don’t. We know that nasty emotions such as jealousy and resentment are totally plausible (to the point of expect) in these situations.

As you can see, there is a bit of evidence stacked against the idea (I’m sure there’s more, but carpal tunnel is acting up). I’m sure someone somewhere has made this kind of FWB bulls* work out before, but I have yet to see it. Maybe I’m just a bitter person surrounded by equally bitter friends, but I kind of view a successful FWB relationship like I view God: If I don’t see it for myself, right in front of me (preferably singing show tunes), it doesn’t exist no matter how much you believe.